i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
