who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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