Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize