the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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