this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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