You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
