Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
