can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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