I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
