The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
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