I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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