Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
