He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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