life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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