sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
