Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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