He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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