she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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