Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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