i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Randomize
