just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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