I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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