I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just want nice things and good sex
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
