Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
