I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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