I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
dude. I can hear the air.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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