Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
