a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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