i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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