Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
