Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
