Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
