My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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