Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I will be naked everywhere
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
