Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
