is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
