matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
