He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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