we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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