Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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