I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
