I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
