I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
