I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
as a side note pls kill me
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize