just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
