I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
