some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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