Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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