my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
