no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
