if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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