she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
