cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
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It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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