you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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