I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
