I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
